使用者:Cxfan2013/塗鴉牆1
 | 這是一個愚人節的玩笑條目。我們在寫作的同時也逗樂了自己。 請儘量少在這些內容上花費時間儘快投身到真正的條目中吧！ |
→來自維基導遊的用戶Cxfan2013talk to me
地球（字面意思是地的球）是太陽系第三的星球，距離半人馬座阿爾法星約4.3光年。沒有明顯的軌道娛樂系統或岩漿浴，這個星球上的還沒有曲速引擎交通工具的文明甚至不值得停留一下去補充燃料。不過要了解地球還是得去看一看，並且如果你有機會前往的話，也許會在哪裡找到有趣的東西。如果你發現了，一定要告訴我們。
地區[編輯]
- 南極洲 -- 僅比星際空間暖和一點點的冰冷荒原，未被當地人污染
- 非洲 -- 最早有人居住的大洲，土地很大物種豐富
- 亞洲 -- 巨大混亂有許多城市的曠闊空間
- 澳大利亞 -- 曾是外星生物Denebian的流放地，其後裔包括鴨嘴獸，考拉，和袋鼠
- 歐洲 -- 侷促且擁擠，沒多大意思
- 北美洲 -- 大氣中充滿了CO2，非常適合植物們前往旅遊
- 南美洲 -- 山脈增長最快的地方
- 海洋 -- 多數智慧生物的家園
- 蒼天 -- 幾乎充滿了鳥類和其他的有翼生物
- 地獄 -- 值得一游，看看經過50年的全球變暖後地球會是什麼樣
城市[編輯]
銀河系的這一部門都會缺少任何主要的星雲或多行星，但在地球有一些古怪的村莊，可以為疲憊的旅行者提供基本的設施。
- 紐約 -- 全球新生和功能失調行星政府的世界總部
- 倫敦 -- 這裡可以找到一些好的啤酒
- 巴黎 -- 當地居民為俗氣的民間藝術和單（非經營性）的飛艇停靠塔
- 約翰尼斯堡 -- 附近大城市 南極洲; 好買食品雜貨
- 羅斯威爾 -- 如果你必須接近地面，嘗試這相當令人愉快的沙漠地區。
其他目的地[編輯]
地球都市區和省是難以忍受的沉悶，但你可以找到在這個星球的鄉村一些樂趣。
- 大峽谷 -- 優秀的賽車地
- 百慕達三角 -- 釣魚，颶風，貨輪綁架
- 冰島 -- 美味的新鮮溫泉
- 貝加爾湖 -- 補點冷水游泳和冒險，有一個繁榮的中華鱘的妓院
- 月亮 -- 這個雙行星系統的較小的合作夥伴是理想的高爾夫
- 加利福尼亞 - 家裡的最後一個倖存的加利福尼亞葡萄乾，州長，和 Gates to Hell, just off the I-5 in Anaheim.
了解[編輯]
歷史[編輯]
打嗝從中央恆星的核心粒子云， 溶膠,大約40億年前的某個時候,地球成一個大致的球形腫塊不久（相對而言）。一層薄的goo形成於其外殼大約10億年前，那具搖晃、搖晃，每隔一段時間。已經有一些可怕的流星碰撞，特別是在 尤卡坦 和 唐加斯加,如果你仔細觀察，北極地區已經形成了漂亮的霜紋。 除此之外，在地球上發生的事情不多，除了辛辛那提孟加拉虎 2005進入季後賽。
景觀[編輯]
地球表面的70.8%被一氧化碳和氯化鈉的有害溶液所覆蓋。其餘大部分是矽酸鹽，偶爾有鐵質沉積。
動植物[編輯]
地球居住的是地球人，它有各種各樣的形狀和大小。而簡單的蜘蛛是相當大的數字，特別是便宜的住宿設施，一個適當的形成，文明的蜂群思維已由一個核心，防止穴居於深度抑制。相反，接地的主要類型是無毛兩足袋原生質稱為智人，最近發明了速度數字手錶和原始的計算工具，在一個微不足道的地方。
氣候[編輯]
地球有一個不穩定的富氧氣氛會產生廣泛的燃燒，如果不是在其液體和固體形式的一氧化二氫惱人的降水頻繁。溫度之間的223-323°K.你可能會聽到「全球變暖」的傳言都有所不同，但這只是一個神話來嚇跑怪物從遙遠的星系，他們傾向於移居到寒冷的地方。相比它最近的行星鄰居金星，地球是相當酷。
抵達[編輯]
有沒有定期船服務到地球，為Vogons尚未完成新的超循環，會使訪問更容易施工。旅行者偶爾成功了，雖然要騎回可能非常耗時。如果你租一艘宇宙飛船，要知道體面的著陸設施也嚴重缺乏，當地人害怕飛碟。軌道站是驚人的原始，沒有現代化的對接設施。 Area 51被廣泛認為是廉價停車的最佳選擇。
週遊[編輯]
當地的交通主要依賴於化石燃料的燃燒，便是不安全的，緩慢的，速度很少超過0.002 光秒/小時。地球人有隧道直接通過地球其他地方的原始禁忌，往往還有很長的路要走以下的表面而不是。因此，旅行時間可以相當長。 噴氣背包，量子消失驅動器，和ultranic超fizzout設備仍未被發現由地球的原始技術的祭司種姓。奇怪的是，這些工具的使用將「不」他們的好奇心，但敵視和恐懼。它可能很難採用地球人了。
語言[編輯]
Amazingly, most Earthlings can only communicate by pushing air through flaps of meat, producing series of vaguely musical squeaks and burbles. Utilization of radio for communication is limited to broadcasting political propaganda and mating songs. However, rudimentary digital conversation is possible anonymously over the Intarweb, accessible at 2.4-2.5 GHz near St. Arbucks outlets.
Earth's waterbound delphine population, on the other hand flipper, uses a charming series of beeps, clicks, whistles and multi-band telepathy to communicate. Delphine is a pleasant language that can be picked up quite easily by the experienced traveler. Be forewarned that dolphins primarily use their powerful communications skills to tell dirty jokes and to scam their way into cool nightclubs.
購物[編輯]
There are few objects of interest on Earth, although some visitors have found that Homos make amusing pets. (Ruminants of genus Bos are also quaint, but more difficult to care for.) Try to select your specimens in isolated areas, such as farming communities, to minimize unwanted attention. Turning on your spaceship lights at full blast will usually make them freeze long enough to be captured. Once on-board, be sure to give the Homo a thorough medical examination to ensure it's free of vermin, and if found infested, just drop it off where you took it. Species of the genus Heteros breed at an alarming rate (the process is not pretty), so be careful not to pick up a mating pair of them.
飲食[編輯]
Earthlings are an acquired taste; most find them overly chewy and hairy. Wikivoyageurs, especially Wikivoyage administrators, taste horribly grotesque and bitter beyond belief. It's best to avoid eating any Wikivoyageur. Try the fish tacos instead, or a nice tossed salad.
夜生活[編輯]
It appears that dihydrogen monoxide is a required liquid to sustain the existence of the semi-intelligent life forms that inhabit the planet. Although commonly available in juice-bearing fruits, many Earthlings instead add bubbles and mix high fructose corn syrup with it before serving. Various forms of fermented plant product (known locally as "beer", "whiskey" or "the sauce") are also consumed in great quantities. These liquids appear to serve an important purpose in the life of the Earthling male, who will frequently buy them for the females as part of the species' bizarre mating ritual.
住宿[編輯]
One place that Earth falls down on the hospitality scale is in sleeping accommodations. Almost all hotels are tailored specifically for the needs of beings the size and shape of the typical Earthling (18 standard units high, or 2 local "meters"). Typical galactic customizations that could be handled in even the most basic of civilized planets (a bed longer than 300 meters, a bed of molten lava, a comfy prism for intelligent shades of the color blue) will elicit only dumb, moist stares from the local hospitality industry. Only beings between, say, 1/4 to double the size of an average human, and that can tolerate liquid-water temperatures, will find professional lodging of any kind.
Of course, there are ample opportunities for sleeping al fresco. Camping on Earth can be highly rewarding, especially if you can find a section of the planet sufficiently remote to go mostly undetected. The locals are easily frightened, however, so avoid any serious modifications of the environment (boring holes into the planet's crust; igniting whole ecosystems; consuming all atmospheric nitrogen). Remember the galactic campers' code: take only cow entrails, leave only crop circles.
學習[編輯]
Although the planet boasts countless cosmetology schools, none of them are accredited by any galactic boards and their credits will almost assuredly fail to transfer to degree-granting institutions in your quadrant. Don't be fooled by the names of Har-Vard University and Ox-Ford University; these appear to have no relationship with the famous and prestigious Har-Fart University and Ox-Fart University on Neptune. Earth has no other educational opportunities to speak of.
工作[編輯]
Earth offers few of the work opportunities found in other systems - the need for hyper-drive repair technicians is unknown, galactic refueling operations are non-existent, and crop-art is frowned upon by the locals and unlikely to generate significant patronage. However, for those willing to assume a visage that resembles that of an Earthling some interesting options exist. Hollywood currently employs numerous non-Earthlings in positions within the entertainment industry, including Keith Richards, Prince, and Robert Downey, Jr. Earthlings are also amused by the simplest of anatomical tricks, and the inter-galactic Cirque du Soleil troupe has found great success on the planet. For those looking for quieter employment, the New York subway system is always seeking drivers, and the country of France offers unlimited opportunities.
安全[編輯]
Mostly harmless. The inhabitants of Earth have recently discovered the weaponry use of primitive fission- and fusion-based devices. Facilities for inter-planetary deployment of such devices remain lacking, and such devices are unlikely to penetrate the armor of spacecraft conforming to Intergalactic Automotive Associations Standards 345IR-14. Carbon-based travelers should take note that deployment of such devices may cause some discomfort.
健康[編輯]
With proper precautions Earth is a generally safe place to visit. The fatalities suffered by Martian visits to England in 1898 and New Jersey in 1938 (naively referred to by Earthlings as the "War of the Worlds" and by Martians as "The War of Earthling Aggression") are easily avoided with use of simple antihistamines. Temperatures on Earth are almost universally lower than on other planets. While these extreme temperatures provide unique opportunities - metals such as lead and tin can actually be seen in their solid form - proper clothing is vital to a pleasant stay on this planet.
Health facilities are completely useless on Earth. Medical technology still utilizes such quaint devices as the tongue depressor (literally a wooden stick used for manipulating organs in the oral cavity) and rubber glove (which Earthing doctors use in unspeakable ways to treat the male of the species). Adding insult to injury, the wait and paperwork required for even this rudimentary level of care is interminable.
舉止[編輯]
Hard as it may be to accept, Earthlings deserve our grudging respect as living, sentient creatures; our brothers from across the stars who may someday join the galactic community as equals and peers. We have so much to learn from each other.
Ha ha! Gotcha! You believed us there for a moment, didn't you? Seriously, you do want to be on your best behavior, as Earthlings are extremely prickly, hidebound, unfun creatures who freak out quite easily at anything they haven't seen before on cable TV. They can get quite cheesed off by pretty much anything you say, do, or radiate, and they get stabby and shooty whenever they're angry. So be careful.
Typical Earthling sore spots include: being proven wrong; consuming any of their close family members; reminding them that they still look an awful lot like monkeys; cool tricks with fusion, subspace, or really anything that shows how backward and remedial their own technology is; making any considerable holes in the planet itself; and the elimination of any native species, however small, inconsequential or squiggly.
通訊[編輯]
Arecibo on the rocky outcrop of Puerto Rico allows you to call home. Alternatively, dial +1-800-CALL-ATT. As all calls on the planet are intercepted by the NSA and all calls off the planet are intercepted by NASA, visitors are strongly advised to encrypt all communications as a precaution against industrial espionage. And to the Earthlings, for future reference, YES we can hear you now...